weier.net - jokes

There's Still Time!!!

nospam@example.com (he) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 11:21:11 -0500

Do what you can to fight the good fight!

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Anyone Watching the Onion?

nospam@example.com (he) — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 15:38:22 -0500

They have a new meme going where they pretend(?) to have to sold themselves to China as an official government propaganda machine.

The Onion: China News and Salvage Fishery

Enjoy important news like:

Nothing Happens to 28 Tibetan Protesters...and their Families.
American Workers Protest about Over-Ventilation of Factories.
Clear American Sky A Constant Reminder Of Industrial Inferiority

HA!!! Love it!

Favorite SPAM Subject Line Of 2009

nospam@example.com (he) — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 14:26:11 -0600

"Get king-kong in pants"

Why CA hates MN

nospam@example.com (he) — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 15:50:40 -0600

Perfect for today...

Partially Clips [via Timmah]

That Sounds About Right

nospam@example.com (L) — Mon, 19 May 2008 23:48:05 -0500

I love the Onion. Here is a little insight into how the presidential campaigns are going.

Number of Acceptable Things Candidates Can Say Now Down To Four

Dad & Mom Go Shopping

nospam@example.com (L) — Thu, 3 Apr 2008 21:58:13 -0500

I got this joke from a good friend and I couldn't help but think of when Mom wants to go shopping. Ultimately, this always leads to some facetious remark on Dad's part who will at all costs attempt to wait it out in the car. I am always amazed that he hasn't died of heat stroke or that Mom hasn't been arrested for leaving a child in the car unsupervised in the heat.

(The main characters in the joke used to be Mr. & Mrs. Fenton, but for posterity's sake I've altered them a little.) Now, while we have never received a letter of this magnitude (or really any letter at all), I wouldn't put some of this past him...

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will. (Give it up, girls. It's just not worth it.)

After Mr. and Mrs. Weier retired, Mrs. Weier insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Weier was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Weier was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Weier received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Weier,

Continue reading "Dad & Mom Go Shopping"

The....FUTURE...

nospam@example.com (he) — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 00:39:54 -0500

The Onion does it again...

Time Traveler: Everyone In The Future Eats Dippin' Dots

FCC Obscenity Clarification

nospam@example.com (he) — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 13:19:05 -0500

Never before have I said this - in fact, every other time in history I have said the exact opposite; the FCC's rules for obscenity are perfectly logical and should be rigorously enforced 24/7/365 on every channel.

FCC Clarifies What IS and What Is NOT Obscene

OMG I love the Onion.

Happy St. Paddy's Day

nospam@example.com (he) — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 00:35:00 -0500

Plenty of humorous disparagement of our people.
Continue reading "Happy St. Paddy's Day"

Rock the Vot....awwww...Screw It.

nospam@example.com (he) — Sat, 1 Mar 2008 16:58:02 -0600

The Onion exposes the truth again!

Diebold Accidentally Reveals Winner of 2008 Presidential Election

Temperature?

nospam@example.com (he) — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 22:45:02 -0600

Q: How do you tell the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
Continue reading "Temperature?"

Suck It, Cheney!!!

nospam@example.com (he) — Thu, 4 Oct 2007 10:42:30 -0500

Fabulous, absolutely fabulous...

New Heart Device Allows Cheney To Experience Love

Funny Because It's True

nospam@example.com (he) — Wed, 26 Sep 2007 17:12:32 -0500

Bush Makes Surprise Visit To Work

Dubya is Dumb

nospam@example.com (he) — Fri, 21 Sep 2007 17:11:09 -0500

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter says, "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to sneak in. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to Heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush.

Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

Amazing Elephant Story

nospam@example.com (bro#4) — Fri, 10 Aug 2007 08:05:37 -0500

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Continue reading "Amazing Elephant Story"